


The Power of Invisibility

by Merchant



Series: Raven Revisited [8]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam being a precious cinnamon roll, Adam slightly angsting, Blue Lily Lily Blue Spoilers, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Pynch references sprinkled about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 22:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4366097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merchant/pseuds/Merchant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam Parrish has tried to tell himself that he's unknowable, but it turns out, he's more knowable than he thinks he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Power of Invisibility

**Author's Note:**

> All right, here we have my eighth writing, and I want to say a couple things about it. First off, I wasn't planning on writing this out, nor my ninth writing, because of everything I planned on writing about for my seventh writing. I figured I would end up just repeating the entire seventh writing for both this writing, and the next one, just clipping out whomever wasn't the dominant perspective. Turns out, I managed to separate the two, so here you have an Adam writing. Secondly, this is probably my least favorite of my writings. I tried my best to make things work, so please be gentle with me. Hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> **The Raven Cycle, and it's characters, are the sole property of Maggie Stiefvater. I am sole owner of this writing.**

A dying Richard Gansey III, a distraught Ronan Lynch, and the empty shell of the human being named Blue Sargent. Adam wished he could make that vision invisible, just like the rest of the world seemed to transform him into an invisible man. Here he was, standing off to the side, while his friends needed him. Here he was, the one to blame for the grieving of those friends. How was he supposed to look into the faces of his friends, when he knew what that vision held? The thought passed, and now Adam saw the day he found that letter in his mailbox. The letter that spoke of his father’s court date, something Adam had almost forgot about. More thoughts passed, with images of rooms and worries about the future.

“Outside of you,” Persephone’s voice stated, breaking through to this process Adam was losing focus on. That’s right, that’s what he was supposed to be doing. _Focus, Adam. Concentrate on the task._ Adam did just that, because he was the only one that could. Others could help him in any way they could, but Adam made the sacrifice, it was his burden to bear. _There is something there. I see it._ “I see things….sleeping.” _Dreaming. Three sleepers? One to wake, one to not wake, and one in the middle._

As he saw this vision, questions formed behind his closed eyes. _What does this mean? What am I supposed to do? Can I really do this?_ He lost his focus once more, and now he was doubting himself again, even with Persephone’s guidance. When he opened his eyes, would he see the world he had lived in before Cabeswater, or would Cabeswater show him the world he _wanted_ to live in, one where he wasn’t invisible?

Days later, and Adam found himself on the ground, in a dark cave. He tried not to think of the poetic irony of finding himself down in the dirt, where he knew he belonged. Instead, he felt a sense of dread, and he started wondering if Gansey had been swallowed up by this cave, had been taken away as punishment for Adam’s incompetence. Even as he tried to mask the anxiety in his voice, it still slipped out, along with his Henrietta accent. He was relieved for a brief instant, as he felt Gansey tugging on the rope. _He’s alive, thank God. Thank you Cabeswater, for not taking him away._

The relief was gone just as quick as it had come, and Adam shouldn’t have believed that Cabeswater wasn’t listening. Cabeswater was _always_ listening, after all. “I made a deal with you, Cabeswater. I’m your hands and your eyes. What do you think I’ll see if he dies?” _You know what I’ll see if you let him die. I’ve seen him die in my head so many times, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it happen for real. Please Cabeswater, don’t toy with me. I made the sacrifice, and I_ _won’t be able to keep doing this if you allow Gansey to die._

As well as being invisible, Adam was _lonesome_. He couldn’t think of a better word to describe it other than that. He had been _lonesome_ his entire life, and even when he met Gansey, Ronan, Noah, and Blue. Even after making the sacrifice to Cabeswater, to try and make himself more visible to the world. _I thought I did the right thing, so why do I still feel like this?_  He knew the answer, of course. _I made myself different from everyone else. I longed for acknowledgement, and I got that. In the process, I became someone else; I became Cabeswater’s hands and eyes. No one else is going to be like me, so I’ve isolated myself all over again._ Adam continued to muse over his own guilts, his own cowardice after hearing Gansey fearing for his life. _One day, I won’t be lonesome anymore. At least, I hope not. I hope that someone will still want me around, after all of this is said and done with._

If there was one thing that could distract Adam from feeling as out of place as he did, it was Blue. Blue had chosen _him_ for a short time, had pursued _him_ first. He still couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of jealousy once he thought about her words. _It’s not going to be you and me._ Adam was past that now, and he needed to be, because he was tired of fighting. Tired of fighting with Blue, with Gansey, with _everyone_. He made sure Gansey knew this, knew that it was awkward of him to be dating Blue, after she had established herself as part of their group. Adam had done his best to move past Blue, that he became oblivious to what was going on _after_ they had fought, and broken up. A secret kept to hold the stability of their friendship together. A secret kept so _Adam_ wouldn’t be upset, so _Adam_ wouldn’t start fights, and go off the way he had.

The other thing that distracted Adam was being at Aglionby. Whilst it didn’t quell his feelings of inadequacy, it reminded Adam of what he was striving for. He both hated and _wanted_ to be one of those other faces he saw entering the classroom. He couldn’t understand, even now, how he was able to sit among these pampered faces, these boys who summered in Maine, and grew bored of doing so. He was still determined to become a part of this crowd, to actually fit the part. What Adam _did_ understand, and what he knew deep down, was that he didn’t want to be _Adam Parrish_.

Adam did most of his deepest thinking while working at the garage. He was alone this particular night, with nothing but the sounds of his working, blended in with the radio. He thought of his school work, of how exhausted he was after constantly working three jobs. He thought of Gansey, Ronan, and Blue out exploring without him, but he let that thought die out, before he’d get too riled up and want to start a fight. No, they wouldn’t go anywhere without him. He was a part of their group after all, and if anything, he knew Ronan wouldn’t leave him behind, even if they did end up fighting.

The day Adam found out about the death list hidden away at 300 Fox Way, how Blue was trying to avoid letting him see who was on it, brought about that feeling of dread within him once again. The fact that the friends he had made, the _only_ ones he had, were going to be less than there was now in the near future, only made Adam’s mind frantic. _Which one? Is it me? Gansey? Ronan? Blue? Or is it more than one of us?_ Adam _needed_ to know the truth. Before the reality of this situation was actually discussed, Adam knew that he would ask Glendower to free him from Cabeswater, that would be his favor.

Now, he just wanted to save his friends, or save himself. Now, he _had_ to change the favor. Now, as he stared into Blue’s eyes, seeing the silent message she was trying to get across to him, he knew. _If it was me, she wouldn’t be looking at me still. If it was herself, she would be too upset to reveal it. If it was Ronan, she’d probably tell me right out. So, that means…._ “Gansey,” he uttered, the word falling from his lips. Seeing Blue close her eyes, Adam knew he was right. Of course it would be Gansey, this confirmed what Adam feared. Flashbacks of the vision he saw in Cabeswater started running on repeat in his head. Gansey, dying at his feet. Ronan, overcome with agony beside him. _So the vision comes true. I really do kill Gansey._ Now, Adam knew he was definitely changing the favor. _If it’s your fault, you can stop it. You_ will _stop it, you_ will _ask for Gansey’s life to be spared._

All thoughts of death and favors having been pushed to the back of his mind, and the focus on getting Greenmantle to leave Henrietta now being put into play, Adam never thought he’d witness the death of one of his best friends happening so soon. He had made sure Cabeswater gave Ronan a copy of Greenmantle’s phone, and he returned to his body, only to see another body dying before him. _No, no, this isn’t happening._ Ronan was bleeding, he was making awful sounds. Adam was frozen in place, watching his friend die. “ _Ronan—_ Oh, God.” _I made him do this. This was my stupid, awful plan, and Ronan didn’t even want to do this. I’ve killed him, this is my fault. I’ve killed Ronan, I’ve killed Ronan. I did this—this was my idea—he didn’t even really want to—._ Adam didn’t know how he was going to explain this to the others. He didn’t know how he was going to live with himself. _Bring him back, Cabeswater. Bring him back, this was not his fault. Take_ my _life; I’ll give you my life in exchange for Ronan’s._ Ronan Lynch appeared again, just as Adam finished that thought. He was alive, he was truly alive.

Adam didn’t know what to think now, what to do. Here was Ronan, alive, and there was Ronan, dying. “You said you wanted to stay and watch. Enjoy the show,” were the words Ronan had said. _You mean you did this on_ purpose, _Ronan Lynch?!_ No, Ronan wouldn’t do this on purpose. It was not like him to dream his own dead body into existence. Adam calmed down, knowing this simple fact. He calmed down, knowing that he _hadn’t_ killed Ronan Lynch, who was possibly the one person that could make Adam feel less _lonesome_.

He knew a fight was coming, Adam could see how the dead double was affecting Ronan. Adam just wanted to help; he wanted to be there for Ronan, since Adam had been the one that came up with this whole fake evidence plan. But no, Ronan wanted to be an asshole, so that’s how it was going to be.

“Next time you can die alone.” Adam didn’t mean to say those words; he always said the worst things when he was irritated. No, he wouldn’t let Ronan die alone, if it came to that. But the damage was done, and they had to move along and get past it. Adam did get past it, and felt the guilt much too late. He wished he wouldn’t react the way he did when he got angry, when he lost his temper. _I’m turning into my father, and there’s no stopping it._ With that thought in mind, Adam heard the knock on his door. Opening it, Adam looked into the face of his own father, figuring he had just summoned the man by thinking of him. Adam wished he was dreaming, that he was back in Cabeswater. Anything to be away from this very moment, standing in front of the man he feared the most.

Adam’s throat was dry; it was tightening up, making it harder to breathe. Maybe if he willed it, his father would leave. He wasn’t really paying attention to what his father was saying. Adam just wanted him _gone_ ; he wanted more time to figure things out, before he’d have to see his father at court. Now, he didn’t want to be beaten, after getting used to not having to expect a beating. He needed Cabeswater’s help, just in case that moment was going to arise. “I think you should go,” Adam finally managed to get out; only he couldn’t look at his father when he said the words. Instead, Adam allowed himself to escape within himself, finally, and let Cabeswater surround him. He was lost within its confines, until Robert Parrish brought him back out. _Please protect me,_ he thought as he saw the hand raised to his head. Adam saw the thorn in his father’s hand, watched his father pluck it. Adam could only stare at his father now, as his father stared back, and Robert Parrish’s eyes were uncertain. _I am unknowable._

After his father left, Adam allowed himself to let go of his emotions, and curl up in his bed. He thought of how Ronan had protected him from his father before, how weak Adam felt because he couldn’t face his father even now, how he wished he hadn’t driven Ronan away. If Ronan was still there, Adam wouldn’t have had to face his father, but Ronan was long gone. Adam allowed Cabeswater to take him away again, allowed the tears to fall, allowed himself to dream of a better life.

The school days passed on as normal, until that one, fateful day. Adam had been watching the men working on the roof as he tried to keep his attention on Cheng’s conversation. He could see how unsteady the tiles were. Adam had only looked away for a moment, and then he heard them slipping. The tiles were beginning to fall, and Adam was standing right where they were heading. Immediately, Adam’s mind went into overdrive. _Cabeswater, protect me! Don’t let the tiles fall on me; I need a shield, something to prevent me from getting hurt._ The tiles crashed around him, and Adam heard his name being shouted, and that was when he realized that Cabeswater had listened to him.

Adam couldn’t believe it; he had made Cabeswater protect him. He had made Cabeswater _obey_ him. “I didn’t—I just asked—I just _thought_ —,“ he mumbled to Gansey, as he held onto Gansey’s shoulder tightly. He was in shock, in disbelief still. Adam Parrish had done this; _Adam Parrish_ had made this happen. Adam was beginning to become less unknowable and a lot more _knowable_ by the minute.

The day when Adam had to face his father in court, he had forgotten what it felt like to be _knowable_. Here, only his father would know him, if his father still wanted to. As he sat in that courtroom, musing about what would happen to him based on the outcome of the case, he was _lonesome_ once more. He was _lonesome_ even as his father walked past him. This was Adam’s fight, something he felt he needed to get through alone. As he sat there, he realized how he’d been lying to himself. He wasn’t _unknowable_ any longer; he was a lot more _knowable_ to everyone else. That fact was made fully aware, by the words spoken from the court bailiff. _Witnesses, go figure. Of course there’d be people defending Dad. Of course there’d be people to stand by him, while I have to stand alone._

This was not going to be the day that Adam Parrish had to fight his own battles, however. Adam had a team, had a support team this whole time. It was that support team that had come to his aid. Adam was embarrassed, but mostly he was filled with joy at seeing his two best friends standing by him. They had run to the courthouse, for _him._ They had come for _him_. Adam didn’t like accepting charity from Gansey, but this was no charity. This was _justice_ , this was a friendship bound together, stronger than ever in those few moments.   
  
As Adam grasped the hand belonging to one of his best friends, Richard Campbell Gansey III, and glanced at his other best friend, Ronan Lynch, he was more certain than ever before, that he was no longer _unknowable._  


End file.
